It’s September 9th 2018, I woke up at 3:35AM completely empty inside, I was astounded. Then I remembered I ate half a jar of peanut butter the night before; I need milk of magnesia, the empty feeling and the peanut butter are not mixing well and it’s too early to be awake! (I need sleep with another concussion).
This is my life: When you crack a Nut, all you find is a Nut inside!!
I misplaced my internal drive, where did it go?
Yeah, it’s this last 20 years of TBIs, concussions, surgeries, medical impoverishment, car impounded and needing tires really bad, being evicted due to not being able to work – am a writer (get paid for writing??), being poor; people HATE poor and even more they HATE helping by giving any cash. Why? Because, somehow I’m a failure in not recovering from 16 TBIs’ 29+ MRI’s EKG’s, EEG’s &c…., 5 major surgeries, year after year after year for now 15 years. PTSD set in. Went through 3 therapist, over 20 therapist called; NOPE none of them worked for an ex-therapist, genius since birth scientist.
FUCK! Ok, I have a concussion, living in the most deplorable rent-a-room, filthy, noisy (I hate noise and filth) by two major highways, with screeching tires, crashes, sirens 24 hours daily. I love fresh air, but can’t open my pathetic two small windows due to the traffic noise. I hate TV, and the owner does not, never cleans, never throws anything away, has the TV on all the time when home (thankfully he does work). The place smells, full of bacteria. I keep a small area clean for myself and keep clean water for the 2 dogs and a cat. The yard and porch are the Stanford & Son trashed, trees overgrown, a fire danger. Fencing on top of old fencing falling and the grass that never gets mowed is all weeds, it’s the worst in the neighborhood. And here he has lived for 30 years, divorced, gee I wonder why. I know there is a creepy something in the basement apartment in all the 30 years of nothing being thrown out.
It was all I could afford and still not get by each month on my social security.
Now for the good News: My cat SimSai is getting a bit pudgy as I was, and if by my side he is happy, but he FARTS at night, dang worse than my dog.
My dog Sade is a service dog of 13 years, she is 14 and on her way out of life. Sade is almost blind as a bat, but navigates really well as long as I am behind her butt, nudging her with my knees one direction or the other.
My last horse standing is about an hour away, we have been together for over 19 years. He is my rock and happiness, calm sensible, loving with manners. An Arabian horse who has never shown as much drama as all the men I dated once or twice. He lives in a half million dollar bar with a few mares.
And he ages better than any of those men I might has stretched the dating time to a week.
Now those are three things that are good.
Today is the day, I figure out what will make me happy each day:
Sade and I plan to go be with KlassicAmir, my Arabian. He will get a bath, brushed down, kissed and walked to eat fresh grass, as I look over Denver’s dirty air from the hill tops breathing clear clean air. Sade will be wondering around, peeing and pooping freely, sniffing and occasionally rubbing along the hundreds of bales of hay, I guess this scratches her entire body, then she get a bath and another real brushing.
It took some time to figure out I needed to get out and meet people face to face due to the TBIs, most all recovered from except this recent past July concussion; I have little quirks, my brain is broken a bit and being a bit of a serious, always reading, listening to other scientists type – well my quirky sense of humor is not quite caught by the massive.
I thought and spent some time (8 monhts) on social media. Slump, this made my mood worse. It seems we cannot get away from the “Follow the Sheep Syndrome.” Ah Ha, trouble Resolution people are rather Lone Wolves! Unless they are around the thinking type of people who do not feel they must create and join another brand, or thought process. and have you ever noticed how many “Coaches” there are on social media? I did ask some about their experiences in life. One had 8 months of depression!! WOW another was teased as a kid for being Chubby!! WHOA that hits the charts in being teased when we were all kids, and so on and so on……..another coach just wants to be happy, don’t deal with real life, just be happy. Ahhhh – that’s not realistic for a genius type scientist that just fell through the proverbial cracks of life and ended up without a life and poor. NO to social media.
Time for REAL LIFE finding what makes me happy.
Come along, no yellow brick road, no odd screeching monkeys nor witches from the north, south, east or west. Plain simple rediscovering life, to enjoy. Rediscover what is it about life I enjoy and others might as well.
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