When Kindness Is Necessary

Diane and I sat in my car, the air was heavy! Backing the car from it’s parking spot I asked, is there something you need to talk about?

Diane began: “I came to Taos because my best friend killed herself yesterday. She jumped off the Taos Canyon Bridge! No one knew, she was so strong (1st clue). She took care of everyone (2nd clue), she worked at the Taos Clinic and everyone depended on her and sought out her advise, she was indomitable! (3rd clue). Here is her picture!”

I held back my gasp, it was all over her face the slight smile, glazed eyes embedded in strong facial features.

Intentional Suicide is not a Sin ~ It is a point of no Return!

A person feels trapped with no Options!

The Strong are fading away in front of your eyes!

Kindness is Necessary!

Twenty minutes earlier: Diane walked into the auto garage with a pleasant face, soft spoken, stating something was wrong with her car. She was told it would take a few hours to fix. Diane asked where the nearest restaurant was with WiFi. “About a 20 minute walk to Counter Culture was my suggestion. This was the moment we met, as I got up to pay for my car’s labor, offering her a ride.

As we drove to the restaurant Diane began to cry. “Kindness was necessary.” I changed my day and drove to Counter Culture to be with her, as Diane sat in shock, asking why. Blaming herself for not seeing some kind of sign in her best friends’ behavior. “Why didn’t she say something to me, I thought we had a very close relationship, she was my best friend! Why didn’t her husband notice something!!! Her daughters are now alone and not able to ask questions or hear any answers. Their mother is gone to a tragic end!”

Taos Canyon bridge claims many lives. The bridge crossing is encase with nets and barriers, at times closed to car traffic. Yet those who are desperate, still find ways to jump to a secured end.

It takes tremendous courage to kill one’s self, no matter the way out! They are not a weak people!

They have been in agony for a long time!

Our mental health guidelines have been unsuccessful for lifetimes!

As professionals we are told to have a suicidal person placed under a 72 hour hospital watch. Put them on anti-depressants ~ Watch & drug! Call 911, where the person in pain becomes glazed eyed by the barrage of questions.

A Suicidal person Retreats! Hiding emotionally in deep crevasses, their intentions to not be detected.

It is time to mend our health crisis for the human condition!

A Suicidal person has come to an end in their life where they see no other options. Worse, literally there is no one person with whom to trust, to talk about the anguish humans experience. These intensified emotions have been forbidden in our society, they are shamed to death.

Individuals flounder without options. People live in a prison of incognizable inexplicable pain!

And for the most part we as humans either do not want to hear the pain, stating it is “Negative” or “Shove the person off to some hospital and drug them up.”

Where help comes from, are those who have lived forward through crushing pain, finding a way to continue in life.

A suicidal crippled person [the emotions are crippling -the pain is mind boggling!] has often experienced a traumatic event and forced into a corner prison cell!

First they need to be Heard, Listened to without forced reprisal.

An ear from an understanding professional, listening deeply to throbbing pain, and not be emotionally rattled, care enough to Listen to the pain. Slowly there comes a transition.

The Blossoming moments when a person begins to fly, is sacred!

Climbing to greater heights, Inside!

Building confidence through natural instincts, learning how to handle life’s problems, the different perceptions and situations as the road of life unfolds.

Forming stronger boundaries, making better decisions, knowing when to let go of harmful situations.

Drugs do not teach these life learning skills!

Many years ago, aside from my Denver private practice, I founded ARIA a non profit, where weekly, individuals gathered for the unique groups I conducted; a place of safety to learn and process trauma events.

One evening a client burst into tears loudly stating, “she will not listen to my pain, my life has fallen apart and she will not listen to my pain. I begged my therapist, Please just listen to my pain! Instead, she offers pills and recommends placing me in the hospital. I left her office and waited till tonight to speak, because MicheleElys you Listen! You do not judge, You Listen, You care about my pain!”

I knew the therapist and with permission we scheduled some discussions. This client was not suicidal, rather sorrowful pain.

Those who are suicidal will not let you see their pain of shame.

The causal of Intentional Suicidalness has been exacerbated over years, an internal regurgitation in repetitive conclusion with dire conviction. Yet seemingly, individuals operate at full steam, hiding while becoming more distant over time.

Suicide Intentions are never sudden nor overnight actions.

When professional Listen, the client is allowed to unleash the trapped, The agony of despair. As the wretched forlorn despondency releases, natural instincts emerge, this is the Blossoming moments of self awareness. The realization of options in life, and the prison doors dissipate over time, allowing a person to experience their own epiphanies, growing their self esteem – developing a bedrock confidence. Gaining an understanding about life and its detours, how to handle other relationships while learning boundaries for life’s detours and more.

I have lived on both side of the deadly suicidal rail tracks. Through tormented years of multiple TBIs, no one understood nor spoke of recovery, my own prison was built!

Finally coming to a place, a grip of vulnerability, I will tell my therapist how terrible I feel! His reply when I called was: “That will the most Stupid thing you will ever do in your life!” The trust between patient and therapist was obliterated!

I was the patient who was called stupid by the doctor. Later, I did tell him his statement shattered all trust in allowing myself to be real in my vulnerability.

My plans were horrifying and full proof, they were filled with guile. What kept me alive was my Arabian horse and my service dog Sädé.

One day, in a moment of calm unobtrusive hysteria, having made all my plans and assuring my Arabian would have a home.

My arms clung around his neck for the last time (I thought), he looked directly into my eyes. His huge soft pools of brown, understanding and knowing, as he lowered his head around my shoulder. Possibly saying “Don’t go away, I need you here with me!”

Holding back the tears as I left the busy barn and ranch, everyone smiling waving goodbye, have a lovely day MicheleElys, enjoy the sunshine, as I left faintly smiling in return.

Climbing into my car with my Sädé, immediately she looked at me with her knowing soft brown eyes filled with love. Sädé glance struck my core, “how could I leave them even with arrangements, we are a family and their life depends on my love and care.”

I was not depressed, I was out of options! The World was too much to bear and I was alone with no help. In the same place as the desperate client who came to group that night calling out, “Someone please listen!” But how does an “Indomitable person share such depths?”

It is not always “Just somebody” the help comes from people who know how to navigate the tormented out of their prison, rediscovering their instinctual self, the alive person who wants to desperately live and move forward.

Allowing a suicidal person to Blossom, is a beautiful moment birthed. To assist a person finding their path back to life, a life so worthy of living, the hidden power inside flourishes as a new born river bursts with eagerness.

It takes time! It takes Caring! It takes Listening!

For those who have a TBI Injury, the persecuting affliction is misery. Often words are trapped inside and difficult to articulate. The TBI injury has affected a person’s ability to express themselves, they experience physical “Brain Pain” and often are not given a chance, the time to say the words felt from inside.

The injured person is doomed, given a life of dysfunctional torment.

The wiring of the brain takes time to unravel and rewire. We must learn to Listen without interruption or the anguish escalates to inner rage due to the incompetency of TBIs simply expressing a sentence or two, a panic attack may follow. Listening takes calmness, giving another the allowance to be heard.

Eventually, I did all my own healing on my own through the Transient Amnesia episodes I had. I saw a connection through my brains’ activity when entering the amnesia and in hindsight, seeing how I operated and could review my actions.

It was a BITCH recovering on my own – all doctors never stated my recovery was possible, rather the opposite, impossible. Multiple Neurologists, Neuropsychologists, Neobehaviorists, doctors testing my entire body and brain, going through more than 40 scans, all stated Recovery would be impossible.

My attitude was, “Damn be Hell with all of you – I will prove you wrong .” And I did!! I cured the amnesia episodes, 98% of all post concussion syndromes save two; catastrophic tinnitus – (taught myself how to hear lips) and my once photographic memory is still at a mere 20% operational. PTSD came later when my service dog, Sädé, died and once again another fall down cement stairs which were dangerously cluttered, left me with three more major joint surgeries. I opted for the forthcoming second knee replacement. Deciding, once back to working out, my muscles can handle the pain and correction of the other damaged joints. I cured my own PTSD having the background as a therapist and not finding anyone as capable in trauma recovery as I was once when seeing patients.

Now, to this day in 2020, I dictate how my medical will proceed. What is necessary, and will ask for full details of any procedure done prior to any operation. Don’t mess with educated French Redheads!!

And never capitulate to a person, no matter the degrees or longevity in practice when they say, “You Can’t.”

Listen to the pain, to the horror, it’s your ear that will save a suicidal life!

We are often in such a rush, we forget the time true Listening involves. Time – Calm – Listening with our eyes and emotional self in being present without an agenda!

This is March 2018: TBI Awareness month! Brain Matters!

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About the Author: MicheleElys is a Neurobehaviorist ~ Writer ~ Educator ~ Keynote

“Concussions are a huge drain in the workplace!”

Founder of NBR A recovery model for Trauma/TBI Transient Amnesia Improvement, Recovery to maintenance, Connect with MicheleElys email LinkedIn, MicheleElys.com