Communication runs the gamut in our world – Our Linguistics have developed over 6500 different languages (shocking figure), to multiple dialects in same area of town/perishes, to computer languages, and intimate communications. The only language I find most consistent is – body language and micro expressions or emotions. Voice layering language is cultural, thereby more difficult to define (generally speaking). Nonetheless, we now have *emoticons* as a form of language to decipher, as we learn dating online communication.
Here you see me communicating with one of my Arabians; gently softly – loving communication, the enigma we human have yet to realize; simple communication. The display of each photo is to remind the reader of gentle loving communication. In every one of these photos of my Arabs, we are communicating as we play and show loving respect without halter or lead for the most part.
I did see a harnessed child a few times on a lead; it stopped me in my tracks – I stood incredulous. Makes one think of how lacking our communication skills are within our own families. My dog does not have a harness and seldom requires a lead except in populous city streets or grocery stores, and then it is to direct her away from lunging unruly dogs or a ferret.
Communication, whether it is in person or online is still meant in context; either you are reaching out to someone to connect with or you have an inability to convey your intentions due to some serious default yet to be acquired. Complex and convoluted creatures, we are and yet so lonely. We humans are slow! Online with the written word will show your true personality, faults and failures quiet rapidly; online you are front and center and exposed. So obvious, if one truly reads what is written, it will resemble, Welcome come Hither, Loving Person Available ~ or (Robbie the robot shouting) WARNING WARNING
WARNING with mechanical arms flailing.
One of the reasons I started this blog was to discuss these traits and achieve a human quality less practiced; compassion and understanding in communication. Connect or to recognize when to “let go and move on”, or more enjoyable – to stay, converse and connect!
Communicating is essential, from the first words written to intrigue – entice a prospective persons’ interest while reading a profile after the pictures have been thoroughly devoured. The lack there of – of the profile and pictures is in its self a conspicuous statement one should disseminate carefully, or consider leaving a’ lone. This person is not reaching out; they are baiting you. When a person does not post either a photo or profile (I often wonder) what is the sense of being online? Are you Casper the unfriendly ghost impressionist? There are online venues for all types, from infamous to millionaires’ sites, sugar daddy wanted, to porn wanna be! It’s all at your finger tips.
This is a wondrous age of transparency. Why? No one needs to hide the skeletons in the closets; we finally are stepping out onto the sheer honesty of our current emotions and what we are asking for in life. We are open to search for what we want in life; after all life should be an adventure that takes us on a constant journey. Where? That is up to you as the individual. So why continue to hide and be lonely?
Today I wish to disclose some actual and short (as you will read why they were brief, quickly ending) conversations.
I am online and have been (admittedly) in search of a love interest relationship; however this venture also tweaked my analytical brain in watching behavior. I perceive humans to be most fascinating creatures to study. I am one, I was told when I was born, but most time I do not feel part of this homo sapiens genre, I am not lonely, this is a life preference and a bit of a late bloomer (grinning, she is).
Such is life, we have to keep living and pressing forward through the good and bad or ugly; not allowing a few monumental foibles cremate our lives. Death is already a guarantee, why chose it while you are living. Oh my mind trailed off for a moment……..sigh!
My online profile is always authentic to the moment and time. This means I do change the profile on a regular basis, according to my experience of current participation in life. One thing I will admit to being is a Firecracker! Albeit, I am loving, kind and compassionate, but I am a Type “A Achievement based INTJ” Little Redhead! This means I can be very annoying for the average person. Worse I was a military child, some say BRAT (which is an acronym). These fact are written (in so many words) all over my profile, yet it is sadly apparent many do not read its content. Yes, the only format online is to READ, and unfortunately, the majority of online seekers do not read profiles.
This could be the answer to our human based enigma of loneliness; read more! You are reading right now, right? Unknown strangers look at pictures of other strangers and determine a relationship from that point. (Curious, how does one have a relationship with an image on a computer, but they try)! This leads to disappointments and unrealized dreams (duh) and possibly an answer to why so many are single. The only exceptions of those who do not fall into this category are married and polyamorous online seekers; which are many.
The following conversations were copied to show how miscommunications develop, and a short analysis of their behavior; a look at congruency ~ verbiage, along with a brief commentary synapse (geezz I sound like Dr. Ruth, dang she was funny, sex sex sex from your great grandmother). Seldom have I had a conversation with someone who has not posted a picture or profile. Most all communication is done via email; my IM’s are turned off due to online chaos. And I thought the bars were screaming loud! Then some view my profile, and immediately sends their phone number with private email; they don’t know if I could be a stalker. Or maybe they wish I were a huntress; Great Expectations Rewritten? lolol
This gentleman had a decent profile, from Colorado with 2 two pix.
Him: Hello. Well I was glacing through profiles when your facinating profile and tender looking face with a nice smile piqued my interest, that allows me to contact you and I must admit you are beautiful.
Are uou still single? Andre.
(Honestly, when he stated “tender looking face” I should have moved on at that moment and gone to my Arabians. Yeah, what was I thinking?)
I Wrote: Of course I am still single, if you do not count two 1090 pound Arabian Geldings. Thanks for the compliment… taking a moment to read your profile. (profile read and I ask a question) What makes you a “hopeless romantic”. Would you give me an example?
*(I asked this question to elicited conversation and how he communicates which might provide me with background to how a person thinks in life)*
Him: I am an italian, and a mixed french, I bet that should tell you a lot
I Wrote: I have met a few very arrogant french and Italians. LOL
Please give me more….. I am curious and do not have blonde roots *~)
Him: Hmm seems like you are very adventurous, what would you like to know?
I Wrote: already asked you above….. no games here. So, read above and if you care to answer fine, if you do not…. that is fine also. It all can end here (the conversation is not progressing, projections of fantasy from the man, an a tone of terse impatience from me due to lack of simple communication)
Him: Hmm, you are now sounding like the rude french and italians you met
I Wrote: not at all – I asked a question and you are dancing around – it was a simple question. If you are not interested in answering, which does seem to be the case, why not be honest and state so. No need to attempt to turn the tables. The statement from you, pertaining to *rude*?? This lady knows her equal position in life and maybe you are unsettled by my confidence. As I stated no games, a simple question and you have not answered the questions, instead – read what you have written…..
The end!! Ooopppss the Bengal Tiger came crouching…. nearby!
Admittedly, I am tired of the games, manipulation, lack of respect and sheer lack of simple articulation in conversation. To be fair all parties can fail in this category. I have failed, particularly when Bengal appears without its handler present. When speaking to many of my friends, some transgender and gay. It appears the frustration proliferates and escalates its self across the human trail. (Whew, what was that smell?) Why can’t we humans communicate? This is when my impatience rears the internal Bengal Tiger, who at times surges! OY Vey
Not answering a simple question, turning the tables, pointing the finger at me as the culprit within two opening emails – RED FLAG. This is manipulation at the forefront. Incapable of answering a simple question when he made a point of mentioning in his profile that he is “romantic” is contradictory. What is the point to all this useless energy wasted? It is obvious why many are lonely with these types of behaviors. For many of us, we think “why are humans lonely with almost 7 billion people on this planet? What is loneliness?” Not everyone is lonely; rather we are choosing a preference in seeking someone to join us in a life journey. However, why are we online in a disconnected venue seeking connection? With all my own questions to answer, I may be writing past the time of my death. (ginning)
Not all profiles are going to state the true person, especially if they are extremely short. But that is a clue!! (wink wink) The difference is: while we meet in person, we get signals of a person’s body language and facial emotions, these affect us subconsciously for the most part; we are lured or repelled (sometimes down a mountain). Online is another factor, we must read what a person says and not project fantasy. Well fat chance on this one, it’s all about the image. Right? I find too much delusion immediately forth coming is a train HONK; get out of denial. People look at pictures and sketch a daydream and respond to their imagination instead of a real person. Lonely…well Duh? Still not getting this?
Other examples of lurid comments are immediate “chick repellants”.
Him: red head… drooooool
Oh god, this is getting creepy and it’s all true, not lying, really this is a cut and paste copy of what a man said in his opening line to me after ravishing this one picture of me. Really!! These kinds of statements are a turn off (!!), more so, when the drooling persona has the audacity to not have pictures or a profile. Did I just get Punked by Casper the ghost?
Their action is translated as covert (lascivious) proposition. The words are condescending, patronizing and supercilious, supercalifragilisticexpialidocious. Yes, I said that and wrote it, here for you to read! Get the point, it all becomes lame at some point – and why are humans lonely?
These are the moments my internal Bengal Tiger postures *crouching mode*, unfortunately the intendee never sees the Bengal coming and starts to whine and complain then becomes the victim! This is where most people burn out online – it is the baggage, the game that we call *Drama* but few seem to understand their Dramatic stage presents in life.
We do see the affects of this ploy in many profiles listing: “No Drama”, at first I was not aware of the extent of drama there was until I heard someone whining in a 5 page email! A victim citing “all women (all men) are just out for one thing, or I have no luck” etc.. The whine continues “the complaining and blaming” become their own victimization. I was under the impression we were connecting online to connect in person with a plausible and positive outcome of Love and Intimacy. Shoot say it again; supercalifragilisticexpialidocious, this is my way or cursing.
Depending on the degree of confidence and self esteem any individual possess, there are plenty of All Kinds tailor suited everyone online. Thankfully this indicates there is decorum and refinement blended with education seeking online; there is a plethora of great people searching; all degrees of individuals to move forward and converse with.
Note, we all make mistakes; I do most often when working on an egregious piece of nonfiction story to be revealed. My impending Bengal is forefront, pacing, roaring, (beware of the) crouching – this is when I should know to keep my distance (and my mouth shut, yeah right when I die). Nonetheless, sometimes I am so fed up, I can’t help but ambush!!! At least I stopped eviscerating (grin) learning some human coping manners along the way.
There are other types to avoid, one I call the: “incorrigibly attempting to convince you” type who happen to be polyandrous (seeking multiple partners) with one monumental objection from me. He was seeking several women for his harem, while I see polyandrous (in a fair respectable fashion) as open forum with multiple partners. First I will say different strokes for different folks. If an adult chooses to have or desire multiple partners, and they find happiness in this venture, it is their constitutional right to “The pursuit of happiness!”
Nevertheless, there is this site. http://www.polygamylifestyle.com for those who resonate to this life style. And most polyandrous seekers are very respectful. Except ~ this was his fatal flaw:
This one man wrote a few lengthy dissertations, in attempts to convert or propagandize * Polyandrous* persuade my current life style, (as if I could not look it up in the dictionary or watch TV news regarding this milieu). After scanning over two emails sitting in my “you got mail” box, I wrote deliberately.
“I am not interested in your lost sexuality and self emasculation to regain your sexuality after a one failed 25 year marriage ending in divorce, in attempts to prevail upon me of your new found life style. I was sexually emancipated (in my early twenties) and find your words more Machiavellian with stringent attempts to persuade or induce, rather than, to join up in a monogamous relationship. Please stop emailing me” (Roar)!!
He stopped! I did save the emails, if anyone should wish to read long Scottish Hot air wind pipe banter!
These are examples of “when communication” fails. Treating anyone, male or female as an object, is objectification, with stalwart degrees of disrespect to any human interaction is offensive. These communications do not attract more like a repellent BOMB.
There are many genuine forthright wonderful people searching online with true sincerity. Here are some words these individuals have written – words that invite, such as:
“ Some people say, “dream.” Others say, “chase your dreams.” Those who know their purpose say, “why chase your dreams when you can live them?”
“Your life is already good. You live in abundance instead of scarcity. You are able to manifest things that you truly want (including a man who is emotionally, mentally, spiritually and physically healthy for you). Not only are you unafraid of growing, you lean into the occasional discomfort of personal growth”
Or as in a simple photo with a statement; (BTW) this mans’ profile and photos were amazing! His words were congruent, flowing into each paragraph effortlessly; always gentle and wise; one of many incredible men that I found online across the nation. His identity remains confidential.
Another comment in a profile: “Things turn out best, for those who make the most of what turns out”
Also in the attraction mode, comments to you or your profile and your pictures: (here are some recent comments with misspells as actually written)
- I hit the reply button twice, sorry…See your beauty makes me nervous.
- I came to the sad conclusion that women such as you are extinct. Thank you for proving me wrong
- Indeed, I’m sure you have a intersting story to tell and a very compelling way of telling it. I’m so much surprised, just intrigued. Your kinda like watching the beauty of a flower as it blooms; the petals unfolding to reveal it’s inner beauty I wonder. What kind of flower would you be?
I leave the statements as they were written, with miss spellings etc for authenticity…. Whether it is stated in a profile of your intended object d’ art, or in the words stated in an email to “spark an interest.” We must learn communication and to communicate. How do I know, stumbling in the dark and failing is a great lesson, three times hit!
The significance of *Communication* is just this simple, reach out – be yourself – show yourself and connect! You will make friends along the way and find someone to share hours, days, months and years with. The positive sincere individuals do out weight the lesser nefarious, however be honest with what you read and how you communicate. Admit where you are in life, happy – stressed (not all in the first email or date) joyful, willingness to share etc…….. Be candid – open and most important caring.
DEDICATED TO BEHAVIORAL SOLUTIONS FOR THE BETTERMENT OF LIFE. ©
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About the Author: MicheleElys is a Neurobehaviorist ~ Writer ~ Educator ~ Keynote Speaker.
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4 Comments Add yours
As always a thought provoking, although long read. lol
I have numerous friends who have been doing the on-line dating thing for some time and have gone through periods of extreme frustration. I have tried it myself, but have found long communique’s tiring and would rather just meet the person face to face as soon as possible. Of course many can be uncomfortable with that, and I respect that, but I see no harm in meeting in a public place. The reason I push for such an interaction quickly is not because I have an “extra” good feeling about that person, but rather, as you pointed out, much of communication is non-verbal. Perhaps a product of the time I grew up, but electronic people and face to face people are just not the same.
That being said, I think there are ways that you can give an accurate description of yourself through writing, but few people are skilled in that, because it is not natural. It is not a common thing to have to do. Most of our most treasured relationships in life come from people that we can interact with face-to-face, show affection, smile at, etc. So I think in some way it is natural that we would simply look at a picture and feel like we are learning a lot. That’s sort of what we do when we meet someone, but what we aren’t remembering that when we meet someone face-to-face we aren’t looking at a still image, but someone in motion. I don’t know about you, but when I look at a picture of a face, I always make it move in my mind…I imagine the motion of smiling or frowning or laughing. I might think about what could have cause a certain expression on a face, what they were thinking in a certain pose. The point is all of these imaginings involve verbs that are functions of space and time. We are not static fixed points, but our brains react to faces, we just didn’t evolve to see faces frozen in time.
I think we are also socialized into the art of marketing. We see how things are marketing and are forced to market ourselves much the same way. Which is often not honestly. So I agree with you is that we should market ourselves honestly, but few of us ever see something sell that has been marketed honestly. Love requires a that both strengths and weakness be loved. I feel that the relative anonymity of being on-line also causes people to be more bold than they would be in person. And usually not in a good way. The interaction with that guy who wouldn’t tell you anything about himself, probably would have gone much differently face to face. Not that you would have found him anymore appealing. But he wouldn’t be able to hide. And you might have seen shyness instead of boldness and changed the subject to bring him out of his shell a little. Who knows?
I read an interesting article about on-line dating and it had an interesting hypothesis that said that on-line dating actually doesn’t promote normal relationships to develop. One of the problems is that because it is the ultimate marketplace. When the choices are so plentiful, we are much less likely to spend time with someone who has a fault and try to move on to somebody else who doesn’t have that fault. Everybody has faults of course, but the idea that there are constantly more “products” to choose from keeps us in the process of searching. I am not saying that you are necessarily like this, but I think a lot of people are. As you pointed out there is always this raised expectation that never gets met, and instead of trying to work through that, there is always another profile to read. So why not move on. Once again our evolution works against us. We are not used to having 100’s people to choose from as potential mates. The freedom of choice may not always be a good thing. At least it takes some time to change one’s mental grammar. You are fairly enlightened so it’s not surprising that you would be ahead of the game. 🙂
The points you have made are very consistent with the follow Part II & now III (since you made a good presentation of multiple facts) I will have to increase my commentaries to include more facts.
This is a new genre of connecting, unfortunately through an extreme disconnected venue and one that we are not taught from birth to comprehend.
One quick comment, albeit there are many choices and a plethora of individuals – the choices in the upper realm is still rather dicey.
The marketing issue; is it real or memorix is true in nature, thereby reading a good profile or all of the profile is utmost important.
I will agree, if at all possible to meet in person! We are live beings with great stories to tell. Our bodies and faces and voices give the other person a good read, if one is paying attention. And this does not denote one has to had been studying these factors. It is since child birth we know subconsciously to reflect, emulate and acknowledge the facial and body motions.
If you do not mind, in my next article I wish to include some factors you have mention and lengthen the series. This is a popular time for online dating, the holidays. People are feeling their a-loneliness and many are truly lonely. Workaholics, those without family – these times hit a raw nerve with online venues being a magnet for such marketing ploys.
Again, as you mention we must learn to market ourselves truthfully and yet marketing as of the 70’s and later has become more about skill and sales rather than honesty.
Last, I do wish to point out – very few people are photogenic, worse they use a cell phone camera reflected off a mirror and try to genuinely smile. Oh Dear!!!!!!!!
Thank you as always for your POV!!! I do wish others who follow would chime in, for all POV’s are important and valid. Some email me via these online venues and it does not allow for all to read and explore and expand. I cannot copy and paste others’ words when they make such great editorials about their experiences.
Personally, my quest is to understand the human nature and explore all sides. This inquisition began when I was a teenager, slithering away to the library unnoticed to study psychology and law. Humans are fascinating to me, but that was not the original reason why I was adamant at such an early age. That is the subject of my book (if I can get to the editing and published this coming year) Brilliance Disrupted.
Thank you Swarn for enlightening all readers and myself. And inspiring me further to augment specifics facts that could help anyone with Online Dating!
> Date: Tue, 17 Sep 2013 15:50:08 +0000 > To: MicheleElys@msn.com >
You are very welcome! Feel free to use whatever you like. My words are yours my dear as soon as they appear under your blog! 🙂
Thank you Swarn,
I appreciate your view points and while I do not wish for the reading audience to be bored with lllloonnnggg articles, separating them into sections with extremely valid points is necessary. This is not a common denominator for humans and we need to learn…
Dr Ruth was the sex -Great Grand Mother,,,,,,,,,,,,,, well through experience and erudite human thinking such as a Swarn can help me along LOLOL
Thank you, I always enjoy reading you and your comments………….
A Tame Woman Never Makes History
Date: Tue, 17 Sep 2013 20:55:34 +0000 To: firstname.lastname@example.org