Online dating do connect people across the globe! There are many success stories of people who find wonderful relationships, form friendships and long lasting romance.
Being a straight female, with a quirky sense of humor and well educated in behavior science and psychology, the latter two skills might had been my own guillotine. Still, this online course remains in the lottery arena of chances. I would rather play the lottery, takes less time and cost less monetarily (no liquid cash flow investment here).
I gave an honest try for an approximately year on multiple online Match services; five to be exact. Within less than two weeks on most sites, after creating my own profile with five to ten photos – pursuing the next step in reading various profiles, I began to sigh. Is there intelligent life on this planet?
We sign into the romance colony and meet the ever-so-needy, reading endless profile with the thought, “I didn’t know this was going to be a part time job.”
Some short tales, knowing the normal are never the interesting lascivious fables. We all wish to hear about the salacious in essence, what I call: “Please don’t pee on my leg and tell me it’s raining” in attempts to convince me you are something other than what you wrote in a profile, flirts and emails!
There was one profile which stood out as to his womanly demands that she be !! (hehe): “She must be – and she must have – and she must love Jesus – she must be home when I arrive with dinner.…were his first statements. When approaching his urgent requests, he denied the controlling demeanor. Denial! My eyes bulged out crosswise, tossing my head backward uttering “are you kidding me.” Control freak lol!
Moving on, in less than a few days I no longer pursued searching the profiles; instead I was inundated with the Flirt-Emoticons with some decent emails. This was fun and time consuming as I filtered through my in-box with great hopes!
One long winded Gentleman attempted to convince me in sharing his polyamorous life style; in three long emails how I should convert to his ways (hehehe). Savvy ex-therapist launches and steps in: he finally admitted to his twenty-five marriage was sexually repressed and that he had found most women were extremely liberated sexually and now choosing to live a life of Polygyny with a plethora of women. One caveat, he was to be the only male! The women were not allowed to express their desire of other men. LOLOL The last statement I wrote to him was; “if you wish to be liberated sexually, controlling ladies inhibitions will lead you back to your boring sexless marriage of twenty-five years.” Bengal Tiger is awake!
Another memorable moment I call the “the beached welting seal in red trunks.” Sending me a photo of himself on a beach towel in flaming red trunks, a thirty pound stomach lazily sprawled over the red trunks flowing further onto the towel. His head propped up with one rather large beach white sandy arm (no muscular definition), cigarette dangling from his mouth, he added a flirt-emoticon “You’re SEXY.”
DELETE –BLOCK was a quick finger action, unfortunately the photo is ingrained in my visual memory – nonetheless a great story. Admittedly I do need a neurosurgeon to remove some of these embedded visions!
There were the obvious fraudulent cut and paste, over the top –way-too-long – where should I send a check to what country emails. When busted, these men would change their profiles and picture. Unfortunately repeating the same venue of cut and paste, where should I send that same check to what country, in the next profile. One had a mastiff dog, whose picture would appear in each re-orchestrated profile. In mentioning the Mastiff, (they are noticeable memorable large dogs of regal stature) the profile would disappear. Ironically, a week later finding another email from the same cut and paste long email from the same man, this time without the dog photo. “Sorry, I already put a stop payment on that check.”
A quick statement to the “no profile” or “no picture” person who sends a flirt statement, “I am in the public eye and must avoid being seen!” That is very true, these invisible personas get what they want, invisibility! I found the delete button to be a new best friend, followed by the block key.
A very nice Gentleman emailed me, an IT geek. Let this be known to all GEEKS, Brains are SEXY! His email was more than refreshing, with substance – humor and vulnerability. Eagerly I wrote a short note in return. A few emails later, being long distance, he stated towards the end; “I know when I am out of my league.” My response was “don’t sell yourself short.” Nevertheless, long distance and feeling over the edge of one’s comfort zone acquiesced the friendship. I smile when thinking of my Geek Gentleman.
Many sites request a person to sign up for a year. YIKES! Going shopping at WholeFoods at 8PM would be cheaper! And it takes a year to meet someone? Go shopping at T-Joes or WholeFoods! Start a conversation over the fresh fruit or cheese isle!
For each site, all my profiles were explicit and clear to point of the person that I am: I am educated beyond academia, street wise. Been around the block and across the continent on my own three times. Raised on three continents and traveled state to state with two Arabian horses and a dog. Do not try and buffalo me for I have an internal napping Bengal Tiger. I could only stay on each site for one month, for my “left brain” was triggered with such enormity. My once left-behind career as a therapist rose to the occasion, analyzing. This is not spurring romance!
The dates or meet-ups… well, a couple were enjoyable. One, a physicist who was delightful, charming, great conversationalist – but no chemistry; instant good buddy!
Being hot blooded French red-head – Latino men are a de facto attraction for me. Black haired – humorous demeanor and romantic deportment, melted the analytical educated lady in me, I become a flirty teen. Chemistry heightened quickly to phone calls, long distance! He was in California and I was at that time, in New Mexico. A potential budding romance seemed immediate via phone, we needed to meet in person! I called him once and caught him in a lie. Later, the same scenario was altered into another fabrication. DANG! My napping Bengal Tiger rose with a vigorous pounce of words, on the phone and a subsequent email! But we could not let go, the chemistry was strong; downhill each time we connected and still not face to face, although he did travel to New Mexico on business. The dance is too long to tell in this blog; this is a warning, hot blooded people need a balance, someone with a good head on their shoulders, and let the steam rise when appropriate!
One must enter these online dating services prepared for most anything, have a good sense of humor and keen intuition. Yes, it was a good laugh reading some emails and fun communicating with many of the men, a handful remained as friends. Nonetheless, the ex-therapist was triggered for the most part, my desire is to not therapize a date!
Otherwise, my time is spent with a wondrous Arabian horse that I ride – hold onto his powerful rounded neck daily – he is in shape – no beer gut or bad breathe – no attitude or drama; these words are a great endorsement for an Arabian horse. Gentle and powerful, bows when given a carrot or meeting a new person, “fine Gentleman” he is. And with a toned muscular body! Why would I want anything less in a bipedal Gentleman?
Last reality check are the photos. Eye Candy! Men, please be aware that many of us ladies do not slip out of bed in the morning into a silk dress, hair slinking off our thin creamy shoulders, perfect makeup featuring our cheek bones and lips as if we are stepping out of a Vogue magazine in stilettoes.
Reality Check! We all get caught up in the photos, getting beyond the photos often takes some real deep push from fantasy back to human reality. This beauty myth is dispelled quickly when you see us ladies working out in a gym, running a 5-10k or what use to be Filene’s basement.
My workout passion are my two Arabian horses. They do not care what I look like when feeding, brushing them, nor when riding five to ten miles. Men have commented “you look stately riding your Arabian.” Let’s get this picture back to reality. My red-hair is pulled back under a pink baseball cap, most likely with conditioner or olive oil combed through the curly locks. After a five to fifteen mile ride, I may look “stately” (as many have said) riding back home on my Arabian, here is the real picture.
Upon dismounting my beautiful Arabian from a sweat ridden leather saddle. My clothes are soaked from working with my horse at a two point position; the glittered sunblock I wear has streaks down my arms from said sweat, horsey odors running high. As I remove the saddle and pads off my 1100 pound muscular steed, the perfume I love will be more of a stench for others. My face is flushed from the blood generated from the miles ridden, I reach for the garden hose with fine spray nozzle, first washing the stinging sweat from my face and then spraying my Arabian down. The sweat foams up as it falls to the ground and then he shakes that 1100 pound large muscular body; foaming sweat and water flinging in every direction.
Take that picture and gaze for an hour!
Most of us ladies are looking for a Gentleman, who possess intriguing conversation for they have adventured and substance in their lives. Most times we are intrigue with sense humor or wit; make us laugh, the world is serious and our high-heels are hurting our feet!
Face to face does wonders with no one to ten pin-up photos. The real deal in person, “while gulping a bit of water – it goes down the wrong side of the esophagus, coughing ensues with a slight embarrassment. Then more reality with a huge dose of vulnerability, a snort comes gushing loudly when laughing at the human moment. Yeah, I snort and then laugh harder, the tears form in my eyes from the gut wrenching laughter while we have fun. Ahhh being human.
Time to move forward off line; letting friends know we are feeling romance in the air; time for play in life. Gathering back in human interest side of life at the history museums, or contemporary art showings, an art gallery opening or the Art Museum. I just joined the Alliance de Française, while looking at some Meet-Ups of interest, such as a writer’s group and gourmet clubs to start.
Online facilitates many requirements in life, just not chemistry nor does it lend to a quick call “meet me for coffee, I am done with the horses, and my legs are burning from the workout” idea. The call ends in giggles with a “sure, see you in a few.”
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About the Author: MicheleElys is a Neurobehaviorist ~ Writer ~ Educator ~ Keynote Speaker.
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