A splurge of orneriness came this day — I can’t sleep it off or find a solution in this moment. Instead a cluster of “Overwhelmness.”
(Dear Followers: please excuse my copying from Medium.com, WordPress has changed their entire venue, and I am IT Stupid, until I learn how they have changed my entire website, I will be copying from my works on Medium.com. Thank you for your patience)
A few moments ago I fell onto a bed, wondering — How the Hell did we get here? I’m a problem solver.
The above photo is my new Rottweiler puppy who is 115 pounds, he is such a sweetheart, loving, handsome, learning his manners (!!), but heck, I have had and trained Rottweilers for 24+ years. Nikos was not properly socialized which is imperative to the breed. Worse he was neuter this past September. The fantastic side of Nikos, he is a sweetie, calm, happy around people only, with “Little bits of Drool is now KEWL!” The other not so nice side of Nikos, he is a small animal Predator! More serious training and it seems with Nikos it might be fairly easy. Come to find out, Nikos has only been exposed to a backyard, and not a loving family of other animals. Introductions must be done with a conscientious effort, in kindness and loving reward.
My beloved cat SimSai. An abandoned cat I found wandering between my Arabians’ legs on a snowy December day in 2014.
Of course I took him in, SimSai immediately took to my service dog, who went to Rainbow Bridge in March 2019. That is when my search began for another Rottweiler to adopt, a rescue this time.
SimSai’s purring keeps my angst at a minimum, getting my life back together.
Not long ago in 2004, a quarter of my life was sent into some orbit, about 1000’s universes away when I fell on black ice and asphalt. That fall broke my entire body from head to toe.
Every doctor (never knew there were so many medical idiots), told me I could have the joints replaced, and I did! OUCH!!! But my brain would never heal by being replaced! Damned be hell, healing my body, I forced myself to climb 500 to 800 stairs, lifted weights as a past trainer taught me, got my body back into my skinny jeans and my sexy French dresses after all the joint surgeries, but the medical personnel says “I can’t recover my brain!” These words, “You can’t,” drive me nutz! I will recovered on my own! This was my area of expertise, Trauma Recovery!
I did it! Damn it, I did recover from over a dozen and half serious TBIs, through the Transient Amnesia episodes I use to have. Through a self invented inexplicable and unexplainable work. I have not had one amnesia episode since August 2016. Plus, re-taught myself how to read by studying neuroscience and writing a book, searching the thesaurus for words, regaining my articulation, and then shared with many traumatized individuals, podcasts, radio, yet still something was off inside of me.
In spite of the 40 some doctors — therapists and other medical personnel said it was inconceivable — not possible — never happens. I cured myself, 97%. The minimal problems: I have catastrophic tinnitus, which leaves me with insomnia, I take two mg of xanax to sleep each night, and taught myself how to hear lips! My photographic brain no longer works as it did, yet I still see all conversations or writings in pictures. Odd, how our brain plays little games on all of us, as I study hallucinations via Dr. Oliver Sacks.
I am a problem solver: I wrote a short simplistic book on the recovery process, now to edit and increase the information. The Trauma arena has been my career for many years, and I have helped 100’s of people recover; why not myself? And what is still off in the beginning fall of 2019?
October I fell in a dangerous area — the front door of where I took a room, waiting for greedy housing prices to level out, I found a place, unfortunately and with grave naiveness, of a lazy bad landlord.
The goal was, getting my feet under myself back to work, with additional information on trauma recovery to write and speak about. With this fall on cement, I blew out my left knee, ripped both shoulders, cracked my right hip, watch my left T-band ripple up my leg and strained my right hamstring. The 20 agonizing minutes to get up on my own, wiping the thorny juniper needles from my bloody hands, climbed into my car and went to a meeting, in unconceivable pain with a smiling face (had to show up, it was promised to speak on a subject). It had to be done — no one else is going to make my life for me!
Four more MRIs stating; four more surgeries?
After visiting one of the best ortho doctors today in Denver, he stated; “you need a new knee or the pain is going to cripple you, although you have withstood it for a year with no drugs, the tears and arthritis” What? WAIT? I fell, I had no pain prior to the fall due to the dangerous junipers taking up all the room on the front stoop. What arthritis? I have had a rheumatoid arthritis blood test proving no arthritis in my body, the report was negative on all counts.
He said calmly “you have arthritis in your shoulders, hip and knee, they need surgery”. SHOCKED! Stating, this is a liability case! Doctor continued calmly, “that will be hard to prove, you have arthritis”. But I was in great shape, never in any pain, I rode my horse endurance for miles, how can this suddenly be? Damn it I fell in a dangerous place where I repeatedly asked the landlord to shave back the overgrown gigantic junipers!
No sense in arguing with myself! All I could reflect on, this is more than a quarter of my life ripped from me; surgeries and TBI/PSTD and transient amnesia recovery, on my own, with no help.
Here I was all ready, as most everyone else this new year with new ideas and great hopes for 2020 — back on the speaking circuit about my findings and recovery from TBIs, PTSD, Trauma recovery; life came to an inconceivable halt: Covid-19 “Spoiler alert — people losing their homes, many have died, long time businesses have closed. Hysteria abounds, I kept writing, be imaginative, creative time…… Yada yada Yada, until it all hits home!
This past week, wanting to share the news of the good — bad and ugly, finding and adopting a rescue Rottweiler, after a year’s search, finally finding my Nikos Aryan. I started to write on my website platform, held by WordPress for the last ten years; my entire website has been changed! I’m not an IT person, so I wrote a not so nice email, “What have you done with my website? I do pay WordPress to keep my website as I designed it long ago!”
After a weeks’ worth of emails, with teeny weeny gifs, this is the actual size WordPress sent me, multiple times. I can’t read these and I am thoroughly IT Stupid.
I mean really dumb: I do not know how to download to my computer a video I took of Nikos running and barking at horses. He has never seen a horse, and cats or birds are to be chased as well. I do LOVE Rottweilers and they are incredibly intelligent, loving, loyal and super strong! Nikos is learning his walking and sitting before a meal manners, but (!!) he is 115 pounds, I am barely 5’4″. When Nikos took off the first two times, chasing my cat SimSai and the backyard Magpie, the lead shredded the skin from my right hand. (giggling, I’m always defying the odds!) And yet, Nikos in a week and half has only barked three times, and he is learning very quickly to corrections and giving praise — he loves to please! As we drive in traffic everyone loves him, often speaking to Nikos, as the KEWL Drool forms its own artwork on the back windows. “What a sweet dog, he is so handsome!” I tell them he is a puppy at 115 pounds. Maybe if I say this enough times, it will sink in my head, not to expect so much from either one of us, 115 pound Rottweiler dog and 5’4″ redhead!
Back to WordPress, who sent me links which made no sense, due to not being able to follow the lilliputian gifs! Troubleshooting these moments: I wrote to a friend in Canada, he knew a WordPress person who might help; “Not at this time, we are in our Thanksgiving week.” And he wrote in return another idea.
Having gone through a myriad of joint surgeries, and no financial income for the- ohhh the last quarter plus of my life, finances are embarrassingly equal to the teeny weeny gifs that wordpress sends me. Hiring an expert is daunting, my plan for the ending of 2019 and 2020, well…. like millions of others were tossed into oblivion.
OK! Think — be creative, trouble shoot! I’m Exhausted!
Just as so many of us other normal people, who might be cursing at politicians at this time, or thinking, after November 3rd, 4th, sometime this year we might reach some degree of sanity. NOPE! We are humans and when we are fantastic at messing life up, we truly do this well. Take a look at our Planet, the beautiful Earth and the human garbage, climate change, pollution, people still purchasing cigarettes when knowing they are going to give them cancer — it’s an ugly way to die. We eat processed food, sugar, caffeine, some are addicted to alcohol and more. There is a light shining somewhere for each life, we must find our own examples to live by.
When do we truly take an honest look at our lives and do something positive, that will have a long lasting positive effect for the list above and more?
Recently, by way of unbeknownst fraud, I started following a very inspirational person. What they have done with their life is truly phenomenal. Complete makeover and not on some TV series. Committed to massive changes in diet, losing a substantial amount of weight altered eating habits, intense daily workouts. Building their business from the ground up, which saves lives and taking additional steps — giving back to their community. Their entire transformation, personal and for their community are countless. Truly inspiring, how do I add this example back to my life? A nagging little voice from last night.
Why don’t we all commit to some degree of change, stop blaming everyone else for the wrongs in this world, no matter what skin colour, or region of the globe we are from. Simply change for the better. Toss out the TV, read some books, call up some old friends, go workout in the sunshine breathe the fresh air, adopt a dog and love them because dogs will always accept you!A change in perspective of ourselves and how we see the world around us.
Yes, we are in an unforeseeable time, which has always been affectionately referred to as “The Future.” We still have the choice to stop, think, smile, feel a moment of gratitude for the little or abundance we may have, and change for the better. If we all took one or three steps in a different direction, practiced more kindness to others and ourselves, adding a wee bit of patience with a dash of understanding; maybe — maybe we might find ourselves in a better place.
This morning, Saturday, I woke to Nikos nudging me. Wakey Wakey, time to go out. As I let Nikos out, the process of change began, seeing new ideas during a different time meant, changing how I viewed my own life. What is before me and how can I manage this. First, get a second opinion from my original surgeon, who I found was not yet retired. What next?
Asking what next meant, I was activating new ideas to generate inside. Looking forward, seeing options instead of being overwhelmed. A decent night’s’ sleep, loving dog and cat, sunshine high in the sky — yes, there are many options we all can look for and conjure. A writer friend called from India, asking “let’s reconnect.” Think on these terms, adding more to life and get the surgery over with, as I train Nikos.
As I wrote these last few lines, my Nikos, came over and put his huge head in my face, I gave him a kiss on his forehead and thought, we have the ability to see life differently. Nikos, let’s find a creek or stream of water where you can play. Smile at some stranger outside in the fresh air here in Colorado, as comment in passing, ‘how good it feels to be somewhat normal again. Moving along with life, not acquiescing to the stodgy, rather reinvent new ways and spread new ideas for each person, possibly in a simple smile.”